I'm Only Me
But if I were my parents, I might be having a breakdown right now. This past Friday my brother spoke with my mom. He delivered the blow that he won't be visiting for Passover, or any time soon. They were on the phone for an hour.
I can not imagine how awful I would feel if both my children told me in the same week that they didn't want to visit me anymore. Because I created an uncomfortable environment for them.
I want to cry for them, until I remember they created this situation. Except they're my parents, so I do still want to cry for them. Because it's just so sad. They're not the type to not have relationships with their kids. They aren't the type of parents who believe they wash their hands as soon as the kids turn 18. This is not what they intended for their relationships to be with their kids.
I asked my brother if he'll feel guilty if they have heart attacks over this. Hmm, maybe I am a bit of a drama queen after all. He said no, they created this situation, and we've been telling them for over a dozen years. Plus he said it's only in movies that people have heart attacks from bad news.
This is so frustrating to me. I never thought I'd be the type of adult child to have almost no relationship with my parents. My whole life I believed that when I grew up and had my own kids, I'd live near my parents, so they could be the "close" grandparents, like my close grandparents were who lived in Queens when I lived on Long Island.
Why can't my parents just pull their shit together? Why can't they just do better? Why, when my father calls me, and I confirm that yes, I got his e-mail, does he then start telling me exactly what was IN that e-mail? I know - because he doesn't know what else to talk to me about. Well, too bad. You pushed and pushed me away, and I took your message to heart and now don't want to be close. It hurts too much.
Where do I sign up for new parents? Because even though I am an adult who knows how to do her own taxes, I still need parents.
And, in the back of my head again - which of my friend's kids will feel this way about my friends in 25 years?
I can not imagine how awful I would feel if both my children told me in the same week that they didn't want to visit me anymore. Because I created an uncomfortable environment for them.
I want to cry for them, until I remember they created this situation. Except they're my parents, so I do still want to cry for them. Because it's just so sad. They're not the type to not have relationships with their kids. They aren't the type of parents who believe they wash their hands as soon as the kids turn 18. This is not what they intended for their relationships to be with their kids.
I asked my brother if he'll feel guilty if they have heart attacks over this. Hmm, maybe I am a bit of a drama queen after all. He said no, they created this situation, and we've been telling them for over a dozen years. Plus he said it's only in movies that people have heart attacks from bad news.
This is so frustrating to me. I never thought I'd be the type of adult child to have almost no relationship with my parents. My whole life I believed that when I grew up and had my own kids, I'd live near my parents, so they could be the "close" grandparents, like my close grandparents were who lived in Queens when I lived on Long Island.
Why can't my parents just pull their shit together? Why can't they just do better? Why, when my father calls me, and I confirm that yes, I got his e-mail, does he then start telling me exactly what was IN that e-mail? I know - because he doesn't know what else to talk to me about. Well, too bad. You pushed and pushed me away, and I took your message to heart and now don't want to be close. It hurts too much.
Where do I sign up for new parents? Because even though I am an adult who knows how to do her own taxes, I still need parents.
And, in the back of my head again - which of my friend's kids will feel this way about my friends in 25 years?
posted by Zoe @ 9:22 PM
2 Comments:
At 3/02/2007 6:24 AM,
M.Amanda said…
Don't start feeling guilty now. They are grown-ups, too. And they've had a lot longer than you to get their shit together. It's not your job to teach them how to be happy. In fact, could anyone do that? They seem to like being miserable.
You need parents? Okay, so I haven't met you in person. I only know what you've published in your blogs. But I think you are okay just by yourself. I've never really lived on my own, never really dealt with tough circumstances. Faced with moving across the country to a totally new place, supporting myself, and running my own life while dealing with fucked up parents like you have, I'd probably have cracked, seriously had a major breakdown by now. Don't sell yourself short. You're stronger than you think.
At 3/03/2007 2:01 PM,
Anonymous said…
Today my dad and his wife came to watch W. play basketball and have lunch afterward. We don't live that far away - 45 minutes, maybe. But we hardly ever see them. It makes me sad, but I take into consideration what my dad grew up with, and what his exposure to 'grandparenting' was, and I guess I can't be too hard on him.
But when he handed me a newspaper pullout section about an big open house going on at the university and asked me if I had heard about this, I looked at him and said "Dad, I'm AT the university, remember?" He looked somewhat hurt and then I felt bad. He never asks me about what I'm doing in my classes, what kind of work I'm doing, or anything. The college I'm in was taking part in this big open house, so of course I knew about it.
They buy toys that are too 'young' for W, and my dad refers to A as 'the brainy child.' Never mind that W. was reading before she was and that he's pretty darn smart for his age. It would be nice for his grandparents to know that. And for my dad to know what's going on in my life.
I am one of those friends who wonders how much my kids will roll their eyes when they're on the phone with me 25 years from now.
a student nurse you know
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