Ugly Zoe
Betty and Daniel had such a sweet non-date on Ugly Betty tonight. They cemented their friendship by spending the night wandering around Brooklyn. It was a bit beautiful.
And it made me sad.
Who the fuck ever does that with me? That's right. Nobody. I just feel rejected so often, from so many different angles. It's hard to keep going that way. Never mind dating for the moment.
People don't seem to want to be in the elevator with me. People don't return my e-mails. People don't care if I like them. Nobody is ever genuinely happy to see me. Nobody wants to be my roommate. Nobody wants to come see my new place. Nobody tells me the gossip at work. Nobody at work ever invites me out to lunch. Even when all the secretaries are invited, I'm forgotten. I worry that the rare invitations I do get are pity invitations.
On one hand, I have been told so often, in so many different ways, that I need to accept myself the way I am, and if I'm comfortable with myself, other people will be too. On the other, when I'm honest about the darker sides of myself, people seem to take bigger steps backwards, away from me.
This past weekend when I was moving, one friend helped me unpack. I hired someone to help me pack because I couldn't do it myself, and hired movers. Spending the whole weekend with people doing things like that spoiled me a bit. It hurt extra hard when, forgetting my place in the world, I said something friendly to a new neighbor in the elevator, and he looked at me with a disgusted look on his face. Oh yeah, you're hot. I'm not. I don't belong talking to you, so sorry.
I'll go back to acting like a living lump who should try to move out of the way of the "real" people. The people who matter. The people who are worthy.
And it made me sad.
Who the fuck ever does that with me? That's right. Nobody. I just feel rejected so often, from so many different angles. It's hard to keep going that way. Never mind dating for the moment.
People don't seem to want to be in the elevator with me. People don't return my e-mails. People don't care if I like them. Nobody is ever genuinely happy to see me. Nobody wants to be my roommate. Nobody wants to come see my new place. Nobody tells me the gossip at work. Nobody at work ever invites me out to lunch. Even when all the secretaries are invited, I'm forgotten. I worry that the rare invitations I do get are pity invitations.
On one hand, I have been told so often, in so many different ways, that I need to accept myself the way I am, and if I'm comfortable with myself, other people will be too. On the other, when I'm honest about the darker sides of myself, people seem to take bigger steps backwards, away from me.
This past weekend when I was moving, one friend helped me unpack. I hired someone to help me pack because I couldn't do it myself, and hired movers. Spending the whole weekend with people doing things like that spoiled me a bit. It hurt extra hard when, forgetting my place in the world, I said something friendly to a new neighbor in the elevator, and he looked at me with a disgusted look on his face. Oh yeah, you're hot. I'm not. I don't belong talking to you, so sorry.
I'll go back to acting like a living lump who should try to move out of the way of the "real" people. The people who matter. The people who are worthy.
posted by Zoe @ 9:10 PM
4 Comments:
At 1/19/2007 6:47 AM,
M.Amanda said…
Want to hear a confession that's kinda bad? Well, I'm going to say it either way, but now you have a warning in case you want to stop reading....
For a long time, I thought Sweets and I were totally wrong for each other. I thought he only stayed with me because I let him do whatever he wanted while taking care of the stuff that was "beneath" him, like running errands and buying birthday presents for his family. I let him have his own way so that he wouldn't see my choices and realize I was such a loser. I stayed with him because I thought most other people would figure me out better than he did and not want anything to do with me.
I got over it. The truth is that he knows me better than anyone else and still likes me. I guess, if I'm a loser, he is too, so who cares about those other people, right?
The crazy thing is that the less I cared what other people thought and just did what made me happy, the more they seemed to want me to like them.
But then, maybe I'm fooling myself. If you go by my life this week, I'm a total fuck-up.
At 1/19/2007 9:39 AM,
Unemployed Nurse Jack said…
I loved their night out together, too. It made me wistful for those first few dates when DH and I were just getting to know one another.
Here's my take, if we're going to use the show as an example. Look at how many people are mean or indifferent to Betty during the course of her normal day. Plenty. But there are the gems in her life that she gravitates toward and there are the ones that matter.
I don't know you IRL, but I think I know enough about you to know you have a good heart, a witty sense of humor, and a shy display of your intellect. I enjoy communicating with you. I have no idea what you look like, but from what others say you're attractive.
You are absolutely worthy of respect, friendship and love. Don't be a lump. Hold your head up, throw back your shoulders, let your personality shine through and reach people. BE the Betty.
Another thought is this: You work in a place that's not ideal for forming friendships. People there are either older, mean, or so into their work that they can't see past their desks. Can we brainstorm ideas about some different social settings that places you among people more like you?
I just pictured Mode Magazine doing a matching shirt-day. And the color wasn't black, either. (chuckle)
At 1/19/2007 4:28 PM,
Anonymous said…
as you once told me, "hi, we've met". i'm genuinely happy to see you when i see you. i want to see your new place. i'd be happy if you lived downstairs. so what am i, chopped liver? i know you have other friends who are closer to you than i am, and i am sorry that you feel like nobody wants to be near you but i just don't think that's true.
At 1/20/2007 8:12 PM,
a stronger, braver me said…
like karen_s said!
I often wish I still lived in the city just so you and I could meet and have real life chats instead of trying to catch you on IM. Plus I did offer to come help you on Monday, but you said you had already hired movers. I didnt want to invite me and all my kids over to your new place when you were in the midst of trying to unpack.
Now I'm sitting here thinking maybe you dont want to be friends with me? I have a lot of social anxiety, and its hard for me to make friends, or to know when people want to be friends with me. I have had great chats with people who I thought were going to be my friends, only to have them not follow through on their end.
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