Crushing Sadness

I hate these days where it's a struggle not to cry at work. Also, I think I have way too many of them. My laptop is dead. Since Friday afternoon I've been trying to meet up with some guy who can hopefully revive my dead laptop.

Had it not been my birthday yesterday this weekend would have been like the ones I usually had in Florida. Leave work Friday afternoon and don't speak out loud until getting back to work on Monday morning. I think because I live by myself (if I see my roommate once a week that's a lot, and we literally just see each other and say hi and that's it) being able to connect to the internet makes a huge difference.

On Saturday I thought about going to see a movie since I couldn't use my computer (to return emails, to look up addresses to send out regular mail, to pay bills, etc.) but then realized I couldn't look up movie times. I couldn't go exploring anyplace since I couldn't Mapquest directions.

I've been in an awful mood lately. My friend took me to dinner yesterday and it was so VERY sweet of her, and even then, I was struggling not to appear miserable.

So when I read about people who are broken-hearted due to being in love with two men and having to choose between their husband or The Other Guy, it kind of bums me out. Okay, it does more than bum me out. It fucking burns.

And of course, the time change is coming soon, to add to my overwhelming joy. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Seriously, I feel like if I never contacted people, I'd never see anyone except for one person. And honestly, that makes me doubt the people who say they're my friends. You know that circus trick where you balance a plate on top of a stick, and you have to keep hitting the plate so it will continue to balance and twirl? If I don't keept attending to the plate, I will have no friends balancing on that stick at all.

I hate my life. What's worse is that I hate myself.