Yes You Should
E-mail from my dad:
I know the last time we spoke you said you’re not ducking my calls, but I’m still getting that feeling since you do not answer any of them and do not return my calls. Although I haven’t worked out details yet, we were planning to fly to SFO next month and spend a few days in San Francisco before driving to Los Angeles and flying home from there. Should I modify my plans and either eliminate or reduce my time in San Francisco since the reason we were going there is to see you?
Okay, the deal is, the week of my 30th birthday, my parents are flying in to San Francisco on a Sunday night. Then they're planning to drive to Los Angeles on Wednesday, and fly back to New York Saturday night or Sunday. My birthday is Friday. So umm... I work. Each week day (okay, except today, but it's Labor Day). But really, I'm supposed to meet up with my parents for dinner?
I asked them to go with me to therapy and I got "We'll see" as an answer. Which I take as a big fat no. So I'm basically feeling like they're not interested in having a better relationship with me, and I'm not interested in continuing the crappy relationship we've had, which makes me think ... yes Dad, you should modify your plans.
Yet, I don't want to make my parents feel like shit at all. I just want to not feel like shit myself, and doing the phony crap we've always done will make me feel awful. I am not quite sure how to tell them not to come here without hurting their feelings.
This seems like one of those situations where afterwards you'd say, "Looking back, there was really no need to be THAT honest" so I'm trying to come up with some good way to phrase the "stay away" e-mail, using as few words as possible. My parents have no idea how furious I am at them. I feel no need to let them know. In the back of my head, I'm always worried about making my dad's heart explode or some such physical shit if I cause him too much stress.
I think even just writing this out is causing me stress.
I know the last time we spoke you said you’re not ducking my calls, but I’m still getting that feeling since you do not answer any of them and do not return my calls. Although I haven’t worked out details yet, we were planning to fly to SFO next month and spend a few days in San Francisco before driving to Los Angeles and flying home from there. Should I modify my plans and either eliminate or reduce my time in San Francisco since the reason we were going there is to see you?
Okay, the deal is, the week of my 30th birthday, my parents are flying in to San Francisco on a Sunday night. Then they're planning to drive to Los Angeles on Wednesday, and fly back to New York Saturday night or Sunday. My birthday is Friday. So umm... I work. Each week day (okay, except today, but it's Labor Day). But really, I'm supposed to meet up with my parents for dinner?
I asked them to go with me to therapy and I got "We'll see" as an answer. Which I take as a big fat no. So I'm basically feeling like they're not interested in having a better relationship with me, and I'm not interested in continuing the crappy relationship we've had, which makes me think ... yes Dad, you should modify your plans.
Yet, I don't want to make my parents feel like shit at all. I just want to not feel like shit myself, and doing the phony crap we've always done will make me feel awful. I am not quite sure how to tell them not to come here without hurting their feelings.
This seems like one of those situations where afterwards you'd say, "Looking back, there was really no need to be THAT honest" so I'm trying to come up with some good way to phrase the "stay away" e-mail, using as few words as possible. My parents have no idea how furious I am at them. I feel no need to let them know. In the back of my head, I'm always worried about making my dad's heart explode or some such physical shit if I cause him too much stress.
I think even just writing this out is causing me stress.
posted by Zoe @ 10:07 AM
3 Comments:
At 9/05/2006 6:59 PM,
Plain(s)feminist said…
You are not responsible for your father's health or stress level. And you can't control how anyone else responds to you.
How about: "I love you, but I'm going to be working while you're here and I can't take time off. It would probably be better for us to have a visit at another time."
Or, alternatively, "Since you're coming while I'll be working and I won't be able to get away, why don't we plan to just have dinner together before you leave to visit my brother."
Sorry - this is a tough situation, I know.
At 9/07/2006 9:00 PM,
the Drunken Housewife said…
Have you come right out and said, "I don't understand why you've set up your trip so you're in LA for my birthday" to your dad?
My $.02: write him an email which says something like, "Dear Dad, I'm sorry I haven't been in better touch. There are some things that are hard for me to say, and I hate to cause you stress, so I have been avoiding talking to you. The big thing is that I hoped we could try a family therapy session to help us clear the air and work on improving our relationship. I felt sad that you and Mom didn't agree to me setting up such a session. The other thing is that you were planning to be in California at the time of my birthday, but you would be in L.A. then.
I will be working during the week while you are here. My offer of setting up a family therapy session still stands, although the later it gets, the less likely I'll be able to get an appointment. Also, since I'll be working weekdays and can't take time off then, my time will be limited.
yours, Green
just a rough draft.
At 9/15/2006 12:10 PM,
Paste said…
You've only got one set of parents and only one life. Make it up with them and you sure don't need 'family therapy', good grief what ever are they going to think of next!
Good luck.
Here from Michele's by the way.
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