Delete

I got something cool. I posted pics of it on my other blog. My parents saw it. Then they went to some family party, where a cousin had something similar. My father told his sister I had one, and he'd send her a picture. So he did. Then he told me.

After mildly freaking out, I very nicely asked if he'd sent my aunt a link to my blog, or just the picture itself. He just sent the picture. I thanked him, he you're welcomed me. However. Let's break this down, shall we?

I started a blog with the express intention of not telling my parents. With the exception of not writing about them or my brother and his girlfriend, I haven't changed too much of my writing. Which means that now my parents know things about my life they wouldn't otherwise know. Which means my parents are reading my blog in order to know what's going on with me.
Since my mother and I are not communicating, and my father and I barely are.

I passively-aggressively delete comments my mother anonymously posts to my blog. Despite her having to find out about my blog from someone other than me, she apparently hasn't grasped that I didn't want her involved with it in any way. It seems she doesn't take that hint from my deleting her comments. Why don't you just be assertive and tell her to please stop commenting, you ask?

1. She'll deny she does it, and although she doesn't know this, I can't prove it's her (but I know her well, and know it is).
2. She'll not deny it, but claim it's for the public and she's free to comment if she wants. Which I agree with. But really, if there was a way to block her from reading, believe me, I would have.
3. She will say that if I'm writing about things I don't want her to see, then perhaps I shouldn't be writing about them (and in fact, shouldn't be doing whatever I'm writing about having done). I agree that this is a good way for a child or teenager to deal with life. "If I wouldn't tell Mommy that I smoked this cigarrete, then I guess I probably shouldn't smoke it at all." But I'm almost 30. I don't need that boundary. The bottom line is, this is a part of my life I do not want her involved in. At all. And she will not respect that, and I know that, and my deleting her comments is all I feel like I can do. Even though it feels very immature.

At some point, one of my parents WILL tell my extended family about my blog. Either by accident, or not caring that I don't want people to know. Or my brother's girlfriend will do it.

My extended family is very competitive. Nobody admits to any weaknesses or faults. They have no idea that I've wanted to die for my entire life, that I've always hated myself, that the only attention I get from men comes in the form of homeless guys spitting at my feet, etc. And I don't really want them knowing these things. I don't want to discuss my issues with them, it won't bring us closer, I don't want to be treated any more like a freak than I already am, and I don't want to be talked about more than I already am.

But eventually, someone is going to tell them. In some way, I'm sure it will come out. I am seriously considering yanking the whole thing, and starting all over, with a different title, different "persona", different design. Right now I think the only thing holding me back from doing that is I haven't come up with any of those things. Yet. But I am walking around feeling like a bomb is about to explode.