Hug Me?

Let me just get this cleared up - I *do* like hugs. Some time ago, I think I said that I do not like hugs. Or that they make me uncomfortable. I did not explain properly, but now all these people run around thinking I hate hugs, which is wrong, Wrong, WRONG. I just hate hugs from my mother.

My mother used to spank me, then send me to my room, then call me back downstairs, where I had to say what I'd done wrong, that I was sorry, and what I'd do (or not do) differently in the future. Then she'd hug me. Sometimes I should NOT have been sent to my room. Sometimes I was angry and didn't think I deserved to be punished. I was not "over it" and did not want to be hugging my mother. But I was not a stupid kid and wanted her to stop being angry at me. I hugged her because she wanted me to. Those hugs made her feel better, not me.

My mother, I assume, didn't feel she got enough hugs for herself. That's my only explanation for why she hugged me so tightly that she actually hurt my ribs, and for so long. Also, my mother has a lot of issues which I'm not sure how to explain, but suffice it to say she doesn't shower as often as she should, and you notice that when you hug her.

The summer night my father took me (age 10? 11?) to the police station to leave me there because he'd had enough of me, he ultimately brought me home, and when I was back in my bedroom, I somehow came to be standing on my bed while he stood in front of me. "Do you want a hug?" I nodded and leaned forward, hugging the man who'd almost dumped me in a parking lot in the middle of the night. Despite my fear and exhaustion, I was not stupid then either, and again, was hugging my parent for them, to make them feel better.

To make a long story shorter, I had a mother who hugged me too much and a father who didn't hug me enough. Combine that with being picked on every single day in school, culminating in a high school graduation party comprised of only family, no friends. Combine that with going away to college for one semester where I also somehow managed to have no friends.

I grew uncomfortable with being touched, simply because it was so infrequent. Sometimes during yoga naptime, the yogi will go around to each person and rearrange their body, put them in a more relaxed position. After they place your arm the right way, they then place your palm the right way, and press gently into the middle of the palm. I have to resist the urge to squeeze their fingers when they do that to me. In the midst of all the thoughts racing through my head, I get tears in my eyes, because even here, human touch is so infrequent.

Even though it's so much more frequent than the hug every other weekend I'd get from my grandpa when I lived in Florida. So yeah. I don't dislike hugs, I welcome them. And if I hold on a little too long, now you'll know why.

Endings

Ending Number 1 - La Pooch:

She's fine. Late yesterday morning I finally was able to speak with my brother - he wasn't angry, said I handled it perfectly. They checked the dog when they got home but saw and felt nothing, and assume she worked whatever it was out of the pad of her paw while she was home alone. You know next time I see her I'm going to look at her paw to make sure I see nothing, but Whew!

Ending Number 2: File Clerk's Boyfriend:

I hate when people don't say "what happened" or "how it turned out" so even though I'm not working there any more, I feel compelled to share with you how it ended.

So I told you Joseph was old. What do old people have? That's right - even older parents. Joseph's mother croaked. FC went with him to the wake, and back to his sister's house - they both missed work for it. FC said it might have been the single most uncomfortable day of her entire life. Everyone there was old, she was young. They're all very wealthy, FC is dirt poor.

A week later, File Clerk's birthday came up, and Joseph brought her flowers at work, that he proudly marched through the halls and presented to her. FC didn't really want people at work knowing they were "dating", mostly because she was embarrassed, which obviously speaks volumes about whether or not she should have been dating him at all. But whatever, it's hard to say things sometimes.

Also for her birthday, Joseph had gotten tickets to some jazz festival thingie. Said tickets were very expensive. FC was feeling the pressure - knowing she was essentially using somebody. So as she left work that day, right before she and Joseph were supposed to go to the festival, she pulled him aside and told him she couldn't go. Yes, on her birthday, she broke up with Joseph.

File Clerk genuinely tries to be a nice person, so she didn't want to say "I'm breaking up with you because I know it's wrong of me to date someone I'm embarrassed to be seen with", and instead went with the "I'm just not attracted to you that way, and feel like it's wrong to go on."

Joseph was very, very upset, and they parted. Apparently Joseph went and stood for hours outside the festival trying to sell the tickets, to no avail. He then went home even more upset and called FC, crying and screaming. He demanded FC pay him back for one of the tickets, even though it'd been a birthday present. She laughed and said she didn't have the money to do that.
Very harshly, Joseph told FC he wanted a book back that he'd lent her. Things were tense between them at work that week, but it wasn't a big issue since they worked on different floors and didn't actually have to "work" together at all.

That Friday, Joseph marched into FC's file room, and told her he couldn't stand it anymore, and that was his last day. It was too painful for him to work in the same office she was in. When FC told me this she was almost in tears. She felt HORRIDLY! I told her not to, that he had a history of behaving immaturely, and this was the same thing.

Not even an hour later, FC e-mails me that we should go take a break to get hot chocolate across the street. As we meet in the hallway, her face is completely lit up. We don't speak until we're in the elevator. FC turns to me excitedly. "Dennis just told me Joseph was FIRED! They were going to do it last week, but held off a week, because his mom had just died. But he's not quitting because of me. He was fired. He LIED to me!"

So in a mere two-week span, Joseph's mother died, then his girlfriend dumped him, and then he got fired. What a terrible month for the guy!

Yesterday when I was leaving a day-time yoga class, I stood at the corner waiting to cross the street. Slightly in front of me was a man wearing what I can only describe as train-conductor overalls. With a plaid shirt, and a train-conductor hat over his bald head. The man was shorter than I was, and had Joseph's build. Holy crap, was I standing behind Joseph?! What would he be doing here? He doesn't live anywhere near here! But no, it wasn't him. Just some dude who likes train-conductor overalls.

Oh My God I Broke Their "Baby"!

So my brother and his girlfriend live in walking distance of me now. We all get along beautifully. Really. CG and I never talked it out, she just decided to start over and move on, and I followed her lead. And this is where her lead has taken us. To a place where we get manicures together and share drinks from the same glass. Wild, huh? I've never in my life had a bad relationship turn so much better.

Anyway. They have a dog, who has a wonderful personality. I love the dog, and the dog loves me. Sometimes, Golden Boy asks me to go to their house (they gave me their extra set of keys) when they will be out late and walk the dog. Such was last night.

While we were walking, the pooch stepped on something and quickly limped/hopped away. Of course I noticed instantly, and on the street, I bent down and made her show me her paw. I touched. She pulled away. There was CLEARLY something stuck in her pad. I freaked out.

She wasn't limping anymore, and would walk on it. Wasn't bleeding. I called my brother to tell him (ask what to do) but only got his voicemail. I tried to look at her paw once I got her home, but she wouldn't let me. She knew she wasn't doing what I wanted, and ducked her head down, clearly feeling awful (sensitive doggie).

After hanging out with the pooch and feeding her dinner, I left, with a note prominently displayed on the couch where they'd find it, detailing what happened.

The funny thing is, my brother has encouraged me to get a dog. I'm scared to have so much responsibility, and have told Golden Boy of situations I worry about. Like if the dog walks on glass and cuts a pad. "That never happens to our dog." Fitting then, that the one time it happens, it's on my watch.

I called his work this morning to ask how the dog is, and he's not there. Called his cell phone, and left a voicemail. I'm scared that I was supposed to stay with the dog, or take her to an emergency vet clinic and they're furious with me. This is the worst feeling EVER.