Kit! I Need Ya, Buddy!
Tonight I went to the therapist I saw back in February. We had a very interesting discussion. Yes, both my parents agreed to go to therapy. In the background, my brother has been encouraging them to do this. And by them, I mostly mean my mother.
I wanted to meet with her once before she met my parents, so she could help me prioritize the issues I want to discuss with them. She said something that made me pause. That made me come home and call my brother. That's making me blog in the hopes of getting your opinion. You are all Kit.
First the therapist and I talked about what issues I want to raise with my father. She asked how I think he'll react. Worst case scenario is he says he didn't come across the country on his vacation only to hear how awful he is and he walks out. But I'm about 85% sure that if I chose my words carefully, that won't happen.
Then we were talking about my mom. I explained how my mother has this selective memory. How despite my brother and I remembering being spanked, she claims she never spanked us. That's one of MANY lies. I explained how my brother's been prepping my mother for this visit, telling her she needs to be open to listening to how I feel, and not defensive.
The therapist looked me straight in the eye and asked, "What's the point? Why bother?" I asked if she was sure she was a real therapist. What kind of real therapist doesn't advocate talking things out? She said though, that it doesn't sound like my mother is open to hearing me. That she won't change.
We went back and forth on this. A few times. I was really struggling with the idea of not trying to fix things with my mother at all. I'm seeing the therapist again Monday night. I'm supposed to think about it. Here are my thoughts:
1. I am someone who solves problems. That's what I do. I'm good at it. I don't walk away from problems. I try 400 different ways of solving them.
2. This is my MOTHER. The only mother I have. I have no close grandmas, no mother in law, no other mother figures except for my mother.
3. She didn't give up on me when I was fucked up as a child. She may not have made the right decisions about taking care of me, but she was trying. Don't I owe her the same courtesy? Doesn't she deserve the same courtesy? Shouldn't I try?
4. I don't want to hurt my mother's feelings. I just want to protect mine. I think my mother would be VERY hurt if I told her "In thinking about it, I realized you'll probably never change and I didn't want to bother with the therapy after all."
5. I think it'll put my dad in a very awkward position to have a relationship with me, if I'm avoiding my mom. That's his wife, who he lives with.
When the therapist asked what I was thinking, I told her I thought I needed to talk to my brother about it. My brother laughed when I told him tonight. He sees her point. Ultimately he said we're not the kind of family where we walk away from each other. While he agrees our mom probably won't change for the long term, he thinks I should still try. Or, have her sit in the room while I tell the therapist what exactly it is about my mom that I have problems with, and then ask her for coping strategies.
He pointed out that if the therapist thinks it won't work, then she may not be very helpful. If the direction I decide to go in is to try therapy with my mother, then I should ask the therapist if she's with me or not, because if she's not, I need to find someone else.
I think that's the direction I'm leaning in. When things get difficult with people, I don't just write them off - I dig in and try harder. Am I banging my head against the wall by trying harder? Am I setting myself up to be very hurt?
What do you think?
I wanted to meet with her once before she met my parents, so she could help me prioritize the issues I want to discuss with them. She said something that made me pause. That made me come home and call my brother. That's making me blog in the hopes of getting your opinion. You are all Kit.
First the therapist and I talked about what issues I want to raise with my father. She asked how I think he'll react. Worst case scenario is he says he didn't come across the country on his vacation only to hear how awful he is and he walks out. But I'm about 85% sure that if I chose my words carefully, that won't happen.
Then we were talking about my mom. I explained how my mother has this selective memory. How despite my brother and I remembering being spanked, she claims she never spanked us. That's one of MANY lies. I explained how my brother's been prepping my mother for this visit, telling her she needs to be open to listening to how I feel, and not defensive.
The therapist looked me straight in the eye and asked, "What's the point? Why bother?" I asked if she was sure she was a real therapist. What kind of real therapist doesn't advocate talking things out? She said though, that it doesn't sound like my mother is open to hearing me. That she won't change.
We went back and forth on this. A few times. I was really struggling with the idea of not trying to fix things with my mother at all. I'm seeing the therapist again Monday night. I'm supposed to think about it. Here are my thoughts:
1. I am someone who solves problems. That's what I do. I'm good at it. I don't walk away from problems. I try 400 different ways of solving them.
2. This is my MOTHER. The only mother I have. I have no close grandmas, no mother in law, no other mother figures except for my mother.
3. She didn't give up on me when I was fucked up as a child. She may not have made the right decisions about taking care of me, but she was trying. Don't I owe her the same courtesy? Doesn't she deserve the same courtesy? Shouldn't I try?
4. I don't want to hurt my mother's feelings. I just want to protect mine. I think my mother would be VERY hurt if I told her "In thinking about it, I realized you'll probably never change and I didn't want to bother with the therapy after all."
5. I think it'll put my dad in a very awkward position to have a relationship with me, if I'm avoiding my mom. That's his wife, who he lives with.
When the therapist asked what I was thinking, I told her I thought I needed to talk to my brother about it. My brother laughed when I told him tonight. He sees her point. Ultimately he said we're not the kind of family where we walk away from each other. While he agrees our mom probably won't change for the long term, he thinks I should still try. Or, have her sit in the room while I tell the therapist what exactly it is about my mom that I have problems with, and then ask her for coping strategies.
He pointed out that if the therapist thinks it won't work, then she may not be very helpful. If the direction I decide to go in is to try therapy with my mother, then I should ask the therapist if she's with me or not, because if she's not, I need to find someone else.
I think that's the direction I'm leaning in. When things get difficult with people, I don't just write them off - I dig in and try harder. Am I banging my head against the wall by trying harder? Am I setting myself up to be very hurt?
What do you think?
posted by Zoe @ 9:38 PM
11 comments
