Great Minds Think Alike?

My brother's girlfriend's birthday is in a few days. Last week while I was in Florida (still too painful to talk about) I picked up a Starbucks giftcard for her, to put in with her birthday card. She's turning 30, so I got $30 worth of coffee on the card.

Last night when I picked up my mail, there was a card from her for Hanukah. Inside the card she'd written that she remembers I don't drink coffee, but do like cocoa, so she thought I could use the giftcard at the place across the street from my apartment.

That's right. We got each other the same exact gift.

Green Light

Yes, my brother co-signed for me. Yes, the new apartment people extended my deadline and held the apartment while I waited for my brother to finish flying across the country.

I got the apartment. Please come visit me in February, and please bring your dogs when you do.

While I was in Florida last week, my father said he wanted the three of us (him, my mom, me) to sit down and talk about how the co-signing request went down.

Apparently my mother feels insulted that I never actually ASKED her to co-sign. Here's the thing though: I didn't ask her because as I wrapped up telling her all about the apartment, ending with "So I have until tomorrow at noon to either produce a roommate or have someone to co-sign," she responded by saying, "Oh well. I'm sure you'll find another apartment." I saw that as a CLEAR sign to NOT ask her. So I didn't. She claims to have been hurt and insulted that I didn't actually ask.

THEN, when I was telling my dad all about it and she overheard him talking to me and walked by and said "No," my mother claims that she didn't know what my father was talking about, and only thought he was agreeing to do something involving a lot of money without talking to her first.

THENNNNNNN, she claimed that she wanted to help by agreeing to co-sign, but felt she couldn't because I had told her to be "less mother, more friend" and she didn't believe a friend would ever offer to co-sign. So I told her that two friends actually had made that exact offer.

My father and I went round and round with her, trying to get her to commit to one stance and stick with it, to no avail. I say, if you see somebody has a problem and you want to help, you offer the help. There's no rule that says you have to wait to be asked for said help. No rule that says only people with certain relationships to you can offer certain types of help.

Poor dad. He apparently had this happen to him back in the olden days - he was dirt poor after having just gotten out of the Army, went to his parents to ask for a loan, and they refused. He told me he was VERY upset that his child came to him for money help and his wife put him in a position where he was forced to say no.

So that's what happened. Meanwhile, yesterday, on Christmas Eve Day, while I was in a parking lot in Florida, my cell phone rang. It was the dude from the new leasing office, apologizing for bothering me, but calling to say someone asked if anyone was looking for a roommate and he thought of me. I wrote down the chick's e-mail address and even though he said she's "well into her 40's" I will e-mail her today. People in their 40's can be okay, right? Right?

Yeah, I'll put an ad up on a few sites just in case.

Starting Over, My ASS

My mother gave me this huge speech about how we should both just start over with each other. That was several months ago.

Today I found an apartment that I thought would be good. Actually, I found it yesterday, but brought a friend back with me today to help me make a decision. They wanted me to fill out an application, and could hold the apartment for 24 hours.

You have to earn three times the total cost of the rent (for a year, not a month). So if rent is $1,000 per month, you have to earn $36,000 per year. When I filled out the application, the leasing agent told me that because I don't have a roommate yet (though I WILL have one if I get a two-bedroom/two-bathroom), instead of having to pay the mini $199 deposit, I would probably have to pay a full month of rent as a deposit.

That's fine; I have savings. But no. Despite the fact that I have a solid chunk of money in savings (six months worth), and a Roth IRA, and a solid job that I've been at for over a year, I do not quality by myself.

There's the 24 hour hold going on right now. I have until noon tomorrow (that's Monday) to get either a money-earning roommate, or a co-signer.

We all know there's no way in hell I can get a roommate by tomorrow. And who's going to co-sign for me? Sure, I have friends, but I'd barely be comfortable asking for a glass of water in their house. The husband I don't have? The boyfriend I don't have? That leaves my parents or my brother.

Tonight I called my parents. I explain what's going on with the apartment and end with "So I have until tomorrow at noon to get someone to co-sign." And my mother's response is "Oh well. I'm sure you'll find another apartment."

I ask to speak with my dad. I explain the whole thing to him, and ask if he'll co-sign. Aside from the fact that he has movers coming with his furniture to move him into a place he doesn't have keys to yet, he is willing. Except that my mother tells him no.

That's right. My mother will not co-sign a lease for me. This would not cost her any money at all. Why? My father says he thinks it stems from when I was about 19 or 20 and bounced a couple of checks.

Let's review. I'm 30. I don't even remember this bouncing of checks happening at all, but even if it did, that was 10 years ago. A decade ago. How is that starting over? It is not.

So I'm supposed to start over with her, but she doesn't have to start over with me? And she wonders why I have anger issues with her?

I called my brother after I got off the phone with my parents. He is willing to co-sign. Of course, he will be on an airplane tomorrow all day, and will not land before my noon deadline. I'm going to try to sweet-talk the leasing agent into extending my deadline.

If he won't do it, then I lose the apartment. And that will be okay. Not great, but okay. Even if I won't have the new apartment, I already have the knowledge that my brother is willing to co-sign for me. And that's worth more to me than any new apartment. Even one that allows dogs and has a basketball hoop.

What's Going On?

The visiting parents debacle was Not. Fun. It literally took about a month of my life to get through what amounted to about 60 hours of having them in town. Pathetic. But I truly could not handle getting together with friends for two weeks before my parents arrived. Then once they left I needed to process everything that had happened, and rush around getting done everything I'd let fall by the wayside while mentally preparing for their arrival. That took another two weeks.

As if that wasn't enough. My brother and his girlfriend came to town a couple of weeks ago. I kept asking my brother how his girlfriend was feeling towards me so I'd know how to act towards her. He kept saying he wasn't sure, and didn't want to get in the middle as that always seems to cause problems. So he was no help.

The day they got into town, she went out with friends and my brother and I met up. We wound up going to their hotel so I could play with the dog for a little while. While my brother took a phone call, I scribbled a little note to the girlfriend. Light and breezy, it said something like "[Dog] is sleeping on my lap as I write this. Hope you're having fun with [Local SF Friend], looking forward to seeing you at brunch tomorrow!"

I don't know if that set the tone, or she'd already decided. But the next morning when we met up on the street, she gave me a big smile and hug. Phony? Maybe. Kind of. But okay. I just wanted to know where I stood, and how we were going to deal with each other.

We stood in the street, waiting for the bus, and she talked about work. I was still nervous. Once we were seated at the restaurant, things got better. They're moving back to SF next year, and I'm going to be their official dog-sitter.

Later that day, I ran into them outside of a supermarket. My brother was inside buying water, and she was outside waiting, with the dog. I waited with her, and we chatted. We never brought up blogs.

The night before they were leaving town we went out to dinner. Then back to their hotel room so I could say goodbye to the dog. We hung out in their room for over an hour, we were talking about their wedding (no, they're not engaged yet).

My brother walked me to the elevator, and we talked. The way she treats me is different now. More respect. I'm very much an introvert; she's very much an extrovert. I think she understands that just because I sit quietly, it doesn't mean I'm grumpy and angry. Even though she hated a lot of what I wrote, I have been told that she thinks I'm a great writer. It's the only compliment she's ever given me. I think she was surprised that I can write. I think she understands the level of honesty I strive for. I don't think she respected anything about me, my life, before. And that seems to have changed.

We're going to be just fine. She's very excited to move back to the city, and go on weekend trips while I dogsit. So am I. We're going to get along just swimmingly. If we met on the street, we'd never in a million years become friends. But we can be sisters-in-law smoothly.