Update on The Girlfriend

No, not mine. I'm still straight. My brother's girlfriend.

She still hates me.

My brother and I have had numerous talks the last couple of months (made easier by his working 80 hour weeks so I always know he can speak freely).

The Girlfriend still hates me.

I sent word to her, through my brother, that I would welcome the opportunity to talk and clear the air and listen to whatever she has to say, blah, blah, blah.

The other day my brother said they are thinking of coming to SF at the end of July. The GF wants to hang out with a friend my brother doesn't like, so my brother told her he'd hang out with me. She was a bit angry about that. I asked my brother if perhaps the GF feels betrayed by him - that she wants him to be as angry at me as she is. He said "of course" and that what he tells her is that this is NOTHING compared to the shit I used to pull, this is barely even a blip on the radar.

That hurt my feelings. A lot. I reminded my brother I did not do this TO them. I reminded him that I specifically was NOT bringing problems I had with her, to him because of his health problems and the fact that he seemed happy (sort of) and I support that. That I wrote in my blog to vent. I never wrote that his GF was ugly and dresses like shit. I just wrote that she was mean to her dog and it hurt me to watch. That she couldn't stop putting down things my brother likes, even after he acknowledged her feelings.

My brother also said that his GF said she is hesitant to be in public with me. Somehow, after reading my blog, she is worried about what I might do in public to cause a scene, that I might freak out or something. What the fuck is that?!

I am the ANTI-SCENE person! I HATE lots of attention. I'm not the one who gets drunk and loud! I'm not the one who went to my brother's party and made his friends uncomfortable (GF had some jealousy issues over a couple of work-friends my brother had). I'm not the one who got drunk and DROP-KICKED the dog!

Yet again, her comments prove that she really does not know me at all. Despite having been out to dinner with her a few times, and gone to a movie and to the Farmer's Market with me, she cannot seem to look past her fury to see reality.

I fucking hate her. I really, really do. I hope she and my brother break up soon. I'm sure my brother will be sad to not be getting laid on a regular basis anymore, but he will get over it.

Blocked and Abandoned

As of last night, I have blocked my mother's e-mail address. Maybe now she'll get the hint that I was not kidding when I asked her to stop forwarding me lame e-mails.

"But, but.... the Dole salads in a bag! You won't know they've been recalled!"

"But, but... your migraine may have been a warning that a stroke is impending! How will you be aware without my helpful forward?!"

What. Ever.

Meanwhile, not only haven't I called my father in over a week because I don't want to deal with my mother possibly answering the phone when I call, but I talked with my brother, and he's not calling either.

Why? It's REALLY depressing to talk to our dad these days.

"Not much is new here. It's raining a lot. Mommy broke the toilet. AGAIN. My severance ran out this week; now unemployment will kick in."

How fucking obnoxious are we!? Our dad got laid off and has nothing to do but look for a job and try not to let his head explode from being around our mother 24/7, and his kids aren't calling because they find his situation depressing?

I get it. My brother and I are over-embracing this California thing of "doing what's good for YOURSELF" these days. But how do we balance that with not being total assholes to our parents?

Ultimatum?

My parents are scheduled to come to the West Coast in October, arriving a week before I turn 30. Their plan is to stay in SF for the first few days, and then go to LA for the last few days, flying back to NY on my birthday. Of course, since my dad got laid off the whole thing is up in the air right now, but I'm worrying based on the assumption they'll wind up coming here.

A few months ago, I told my parents that I have a lot of issues with myself, with them, and with our relationship that I'd like to work out. Towards that end, if I paid for it, and found a therapist they respected (credentials-wise) would they come to therapy with me while they're out here. I figure I would pay about $100 per hour for a day or 4 hours of therapy. One 55 minute session would just not get us anywhere, and because we live on opposite coasts, therapy would have to be like a full-day seminar.

Basically, my parents said no. Fuckers. What they actually said was "let's wait and see how things are then." They are arriving late on a Sunday night. They have not asked, and I have not made plans, to take off any time from work. So the earliest we'd possibly see each other would be a Monday night. On a Monday night or Tuesday morning, they'd first be saying "Okay, clearly our relationship DOES need help; fire up the therapy." They're leaving for LA either Wednesday night or Thursday morning, which means I'd have about 36 hours to find a therapist who could see us on VERY short notice, and to try to get time off from work. Impossible. Which is why I translated their "wait and see" bullshit answer into a big fat no.

In my family we're very big on "If you have nothing nice to say, just keep your mouth shut." I have nothing nice to say. I think I could get through a meal with my father in the safety of the public eye, which would only be mildly strained. I am not sure about my mother. Really, we need some damn help.

I was talking with my brother today about this, and he said flat out that it's weird they'll be on the West Coast for my birthday, but in LA with him rather than in SF with me. Granted, apparently it's because cheaper plane tickets were factored in, but still. Whatever. I'm not big into my birthday anyway, especially since there'll be no Carvel crunchy cake to be had. I'm not upset or anything. It's just weird.

My brother encouraged me to tell our parents that if they won't go to therapy with me, that I don't want to see them. I said that I don't want to be one of those people who gives ultimatums. I'm not like that. He said it's not forever, it's just for this upcoming visit, and we can deal with each visit as needed. He also suggested starting with asking my dad again about the therapy, rather than my mom. My mom who told my brother she was finished with me, yet sent me an e-mail on Sunday asking why I didn't try to talk with her when I called their house to wish my dad a happy father's day. Oy to the vey. Why would I want to talk with someone who said she wants nothing to do with me? Never mind that I'm not supposed to know that, and never mind all my not wanting much to do with her these days.

I don't know how I feel about this. Does anyone else know how I feel about this? I don't think they'll take nicely to being given an ultimatum. I'm working out how I'd word it to my father. But still, he's a bottom line kind of guy.

Karen_S, I know you're going to say I should go to therapy on my own, without them, regardless of whether they'll go with me. I still am not going, but your advice is still rolling around my head. I feel like there's so much therapizing I'm doing on my own, that I'd rather wait and go to therapy after I've done all I can for myself, you know?

Epiphany

Yesterday morning there was an earthquake. My mother never called to see if I was still alive. Normally, that's exactly the sort of thing she does. Normally, she does it and I get disgusted. "Of course I'm fine - don't you think if there'd been deaths they would have been reported in the same place the natural disaster was?" Yeah that's right - I'm an ungrateful bitch. I know that.

So she didn't call. And I was upset. At the end of the day yesterday, I finally figured out why. I want to reject HER. I don't just want her to leave me alone. I want to get to push her away.

Why do I have this burning desire? Beats the fuck outta me. Does the fact that I got her exactly what she wanted for Mother's Day make up for what a total bitch I am? No? I didn't think so either.

At Least I Know Where I Stand

I was talking with my brother this afternoon and asked if he and his girlfriend will be offended if I do something.

He said, "I won't."

What about her?

"She'll be offended no matter what you do."

It Makes Me Sad

That I want to call my dad, but I can't call their house, lest my mother answer the phone. And I don't have the energy to deal with her. Even if she's over not talking to me.

How Bizarre

Yesterday I called my parent's house to ask my father how a job interview had gone. My mother answered the phone.

She sounded happy to hear from me. I was so confused. We chatted for a few minutes. It took all my self-control to not ask "What happened to hating me?" I couldn't ask, because she couldn't know I saw the e-mail she sent my brother, but I wonder if it has anything to do with her back-ordered Mother's Day present from Macy's arriving.

She's just so. fucking. weird. It makes me just want even less to do with her.

A Horrifying Possibility

Wouldn't it be awful/hilarious if I accidentally posted something on my other blog that I meant to post here? Let's pause to consider just how that one would play out ...

Mother Load - The Irony

Over the last few months I've been getting angrier and angrier at my mother for, among other things, her misguided attempts to be close with me, her inability to listen to me and respect my wishes, and her overall claustrophobic ways.

This was going on before she found out about my other blog. My anger was slipping through when I'd talk with her and I felt it wasn't fair to my mom. I know she's lonely and bored (though she'd never admit that). I understand she's got nothing better to do than tell me every single tiny bit of family news/gossip and listen to me tell her what's going on with my life in excruciating detail. But the thing is, she wants more than I can give her. And I can't take it anymore. It was because of how my anger was manifesting that I initially wanted to go to therapy. Because if there's anything I dislike about myself, it's when I'm out of control.

I already had an appointment for my free five therapy sessions when my family learned of the blog. I wound up using my therapy appointments to talk about the problems resulting from the blogging. I actually felt like I'd lost the right to be angry at my mother, since I'd hurt her so badly with what I'd said about her on the blog, and that I'd created one at all. I just shoved my anger aside and buried it. Know what happens when you do that? You explode eventually.

My limit for addressing situations is usually three. If I bitch about something three times to the same person (or once to three different people), it's time to either let it go or do something about it. Last week I was reaching my limit with my mother. She will not admit she reads, let alone comments on, my blog. But it is SO OBVIOUS that she is always leaving anonymous comments. She has been called out on a few occasions by other readers, and gone so far as to deny commenting in an e-mail to me. Lying was illegal in my house. I was given SUCH a hard time about any inconsistency in anything I ever said growing up. Last week my favorite color was red and this week it's purple? So, were you lying last week or are you lying now? It was a very black and white thing. For my mother to lie to me now infuriates me. A week ago, she realized that I know it's her commenting, and she took to e-mailing me directly any comments. The last such e-mail she sent was on 5/31 with "Hope you don't mind my comments on your blog list..." and then she proceeded to list her each and every thought. I forwarded that e-mail to my brother along with the response I desperately wanted to send back but ultimately didn't:

Dear Mom,
Actually, I do mind your comments on my blog. While I appreciate that you are interested in my life, quite frankly, I do not at this time want you INVOLVED in my life. Towards that end, please stop commenting on my blog. I don't really give a shit what you think of what I say on it. Please stop calling me once a day. Please take a hint when I don't call you back. For the love of all things holy, please stop sending me those stupid forwards from Aunt [name] and the other relatives who send them to you. You will be very hurt if I block your e-mail address. If I kept doing to you something that you'd asked me repeatedly to stop doing, you'd be furious and this would be discussed at length with [the shrink they forced me to go to for twelve years], and me, and it'd go in my IEP, etc. Please stop sending me things I don't want. I appreciate your thinking of me, but do not actually appreciate the white chocolate, the mug, or the Lillian Vernon or Red Envelope things. If you feel compelled to send anything at all, please send me the things I've asked for from Bagel Boss, and the duck sauce packets. I would be perfectly happy to pay for both the bagel stuff and the postage.

You are pushing yourself in where, quite frankly, you are not wanted. I keep trying to politely close the door in your face. You keep sticking your nose in and looking through the mail slot. I am at the point where I feel like I need to open the door, come out, and push you with all my might so you fall backwards off the porch steps so that I can rush back inside and slam the door closed, lock it, and shove a chair in front of it.

Just because you are better than Grandma was to you, does not mean you are good enough to me. I had to do things your way the whole time I was growing up, even when they weren't working for me, and until I moved out and could come up with different ways of doing things. Now I have, and they make me happier than I ever was when I lived with you. Sorry if they don't work for you, but you're the one who told me "you have to watch out for number one, nobody else will" and I'm just doing what you told me to. I am not trying to hurt you, but to help myself stop hurting, and you are hurting me with almost every interaction we have.

So, I love you, but at least for now, really need to love you from afar.

I know, I know. I'm such an ungrateful bitch, to not appreciate having a mother who wants to be involved in my life, and I'm lucky - at least she cares, and she tries. So. Very. Hard. I know, I know. And yet ... she's fucking suffocating me. While I appreciate how much she cares and wants to know what's going on with me (and what I was wearing each time anything happened), she wants more than I can give her. I can't articulate it any better than that, but I assure you, she fucking kills me. Ultimately I felt like the e-mail I drafted was too harsh, and I didn't send it. I was going to edit it when I'd calmed down after a couple of days, but I never got the chance (I always liked foreshadowing).

Later that day, my mother sent me yet ANOTHER stupid forwarded e-mail from the aunt not mentioned above. I sent her this response: Again. Please STOP sending me forwards. I don't know how to ask you differently so that you'll actually STOP doing it. If I kept doing something that you'd asked me repeatedly not to do, think of how you'd be feeling.

We have been having this SAME conversation for over three years. I almost NEVER forward people things. I forwarded something to someone on Friday, and I think it was the second time in 2006 that I'd done it. That same afternoon, when I got back from lunch, my mother had left me a voicemail at work, and I returned her phone call. We spoke for twenty minutes. Her point in calling had been to tell me about my dad getting laid off. I already knew (my brother had told me earlier). We hung up the phone. She called me back, claiming she'd forgotten to tell me something. So she told me. Then she tried to tell me something else. We'd clearly moved into the part of the conversation where she's just wanting to chat. So I waited. And waited. She'd forgotten. She was very slowly saying words. It reminded me of seventh grade when in answer to a question, Andrew Y. would say "What? Seven ...times eight? Oh! Seven times ... nine. Wellllllllll ... seven times nine ... is sixty three." Just filling airspace until she can think of what she really wants to get out of her mouth. I'm AT WORK. I may spend a hell of a lot of time screwing around online while I'm at work, but I am always aware of what my attorneys are doing, and am always ready to help them with anything they need. I do not have my own personal office. There is no door to close for personal telephone conversations. When my mother is calling me at work, she needs to respect that I may need to hang up very quickly. My brother and I do this all the time to each other. "I gotta go." "Okay, bye." Short and simple, nobody ever gets offended. If I say to my mother "I gotta go" what I get in response is something like this: "What? Oh, okay. Well, call me back tonight. But not too late because I'm going to watch... Oh! I meant to ask you, do you watch House? You know what I just read? The actor who plays House is from Australia. You know who's going to Australia? Lisa and Scott. You know she miscarried, right?" So that afternoon on the 31st, when THREE partners were all of a sudden congregating in front of my desk to chat, I felt that getting off the phone (from a personal call) was the right thing to do. When my mother started in with "Okay Zoe, well..." I just lost it, and my voice got louder as I said "MOM! I have to GOOOOO!" To be honest, the word "go" may have even been two syllables and there may have been a slight whine involved. We finally hung up. I calmed down, and sent her an apology.

sorry if I was a bit snappish with you before. You called me the second time because you said you'd forgotten to tell me something the first time we talked. Then you told me that, and then you were keeping me on the phone while you tried to think of something else. All, while I'm at work.

The response I got was bizarre and disproportionate.

hey, yourself!
1- Nice to say "sorry!"
2-"Sorry" doesn't walk the dog!
3-There are always nice,kind ways to say the same thing,mostly. Ranks you higher and is appreciated.
4- never did get to tell you the "something else," keeping you in the family loop.
5- Will try my best NEVER to disturb your life again! --at home or a work - anywhere!
6- won't bother you with any other thoughts,
comments, info. either through e-mail, cell, or @ work.
You lose for winning.

The next day, my brother forwarded me an e-mail he'd gotten from our mother, asking if I'd sent the draft e-mail I'd wanted to send her (but never had): I take it from her PS comments that you sent her the e-mail you sent to me to preview?

Mom wrote:
Date: Thu, 01 Jun 2006 13:36:35 -0400
From: Mom Mom@yahoo.com
Subject: re:call
To: "Boy, Golden" the_GoldenBoy@yahoo.com

Gold,
Thanks for calling last night. Was appreciated. Support had positive effect! More might be needed. So hard for him to go in and work now - a major test of will power!
Feel good!
I love you very much!
MOM

PS your sister isn't even on my list now. she's totally off my radar!
All my efforts totally rejected --and not so very nicely, sorry to say!
Again, but more than ever, I don't know where she grew up or how she was raised! :(

The irony of course, is that I wanted her to back off and leave me alone, and now of her own volition, my mother claims she's going to do that (though I know she'll never last through the month of June). The difference is that I was struggling so much with sending that drafted e-mail because I didn't want to hurt my mother's feelings. I just wanted space from her.

Let's review: my mother considers her efforts (efforts to do WHAT exactly, is not clear) to be "totally rejected" because I don't want stupid forwards, that really, NOBODY wants (except, apparently my mother), and because I can't always have personal conversations on the phone while at work and I let her know that I get frustrated with her continued inability to respect that. Last year while I spent three weeks in New York and my mother was treating me like shit, it came out that it was because she was stressed about my dad's open heart surgery. I can't help but wonder if now she's taking out her stress about him being laid off on me. When did I become her personal punching bag?

The bitch of this all is that my mother will eventually get over herself, apologize to me, and I of course, in typical Zoe-being-a-good-daughter-fashion, will forgive her because I really DO feel badly for her. Then my mother will think everything is just peachy and within a month I will be boiling with rage at her. Is it any wonder I fantasize of moving and not giving her my new contact information?